Hi hi.
How are you doing? I hope this love letter meets you in good health.
I can't believe this is just my 2nd newsletter this year & there are only about 90 days left in the year!!
I promised myself to write every month & whilst I haven't been doing that on this personal newsletter, I've been trying to do so over at Jannah Reminders, a newsletter by The LFJ Tribe (a community organisation for Muslims that provides support and tools/resources for them on their spiritual and personal growth journeys). If you're a Muslim, you should definitely subscribe 😉
That said, I'm excited that I'm sending this love letter to you & I hope something resonates and you enjoy reading.
The Art of Playing Small & The Wonder of Self-Sabotaging.
What do you see when you look at the picture above?
I'm going to paint an analogy (and I hope to God, that it makes sense😅);
Most times, we are the fish on the right. Big. Seemingly thriving in whatever we're doing.
We might be playing at 60% of our God-given gifts/talents/potentials & this 60% looks good. I mean, look at that fish. But this percentage is playing small.
It's not living up to our fullest potential so we can die empty.
It's not challenging ourselves & constantly going out of our comfort zones and growing.
It's comfortable and who doesn't like comfort?
Now, look at the fish on the left. It represents playing big, going out of our comfort zones and more. The complete opposite of the former. We know this is how we should be. So what's stopping us?
I'll share a personal example.
I started a coaching practice during the lockdown. So far, I've coached about 42 individuals & worked with 1 organisation.
I know I can do much much better. Reach more people and grow the business.
So what's stopping me?
Me.
I'm the one stopping myself.
I’m very self-aware to know that I'm my biggest obstacle. I come up with the best excuses. And mind you, some of these excuses are valid but at the end, they're just excuses.
You might not be able to relate to this example & that's okay. Just think about your life and reflect on areas where you make excuses, procrastinate and unconsciously say No to opportunities that are life-changing.
I'm ashamed to admit that apart from this personal example, I play small in almost every other area of my life.
My potential scares me. So I procrastinate, say No when I should say Yes, make myself unavailable and generally, just self-sabotage.
What exactly is Self-Sabotage why do we do it?
Self-sabotage refers to beliefs and behaviors that prevent us from achieving our goals, hopes, and dreams. It is a very normal part of the human experience, something we all do from time to time—often without fully realizing we’re doing it.
At its core, self-sabotage involves any attitude or behavior that doesn’t match up our values and interferes with our ability to achieve our life goals.
When we self-sabotage, we regularly engage in self-defeating behaviors like procrastination, perfectionism, negative self-talk, avoidance, or conflict.
Often driven by anxiety, fear, and self-doubt, we undermine our efforts to build the life we want. Self-sabotage becomes especially problematic when the behavior becomes a habit, done so automatically that we don’t even fully realize we're doing it or that it is leading directly to negative consequences.
Why do we do it?
• We fear success - This is such an irrational fear. but it's true. Look at the example of the coaching practice, I'm afraid of it being successful because I worry that I'm not truly qualified or prepared and that I’ll be exposed as a fraud. Bear in mind that I have about a year+ left to get my psychology degree & I've taken a number of certification courses.
• We fear failure – This makes zero sense but this is a big one for me. How can I be afraid of success & then be afraid of failure? (like, babe, pick a struggle) I sometimes fear that I will give all I have to a goal and still not be enough.
It is easier to give myself reasons as to why I failed than to truly give it my all and still not succeed.
•We want control - By accepting a negative outcome ahead of time, we feel like we are in control even though it is not what we want to happen. We in effect control our failure when we apply this self-sabotaging behavior and thought patterns.
•We lack self-worth - When we do not believe in ourselves we cannot achieve our goals. Included in self-confidence is our self-worth. If we constantly tell ourselves that we are not smart enough, qualified enough, or good enough to have what we want, we will act accordingly to what we are telling ourselves. Personally, my biggest limiting belief has to be with my age. In many rooms, I'm usually the youngest and it feels so uncomfortable & I guess I've been second-guessing whether I deserve to be in those rooms because of this reason.
There are so many more reasons for self-sabotage. These 4 are what I can relate to on some level. Can you relate to them too? Leave a comment or reply this email. I would love to hear from you.
How do you know you are self-sabotaging?
AlhamduliLah, I'm well aware of my problems 😅 but if this is something you're also struggling with or you're unsure about, you should consider asking yourself these questions when you are failing over and over or are feeling stuck;
Am I prioritizing instant gratification?
Am I avoiding what needs to be done?
Am I always avoiding anything that can cause pain?
Are you always giving excuses not to do things?
Am I not prioritizing self care?
Am I always procrastinating?
Am I focusing on self-defeating thoughts?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you could be allowing yourself to engage in self-sabotaging behaviour.
You need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you feel you deserve better and determine what you are afraid of.
Once you do this you may then be able to rise above self-sabotage.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging.
I'm still a work in progress with this so I'll just share two articles that really resonated with me. You can read them here and here.
Some reminders;
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?
As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others.”
-Marianne Williamson
I heard this quote for the first time as a young child watching Akeela and the Bee and it's been with me since then.
I'm sharing this and I hope that it gives you hope & inspires you.
“You playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightening about shrinking so others won’t feel insecure around you…
- Marianne Williamson
This woman seems like a wise woman, lol. I found this when I was looking for the first quote. Hope it resonates too.
Some Recommendations;
• Some Lisa Nichols:
How to Step Into Activate Personal Growth.
What Are You Willing To Do To Achieve Your Dream?
• Book:
Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that change Everything by BJ Fogg,PhD.
You are amazing, just as. But I hope you stop playing small & self-sabotaging. This world is better because you're in it & we’re all in need of the specialness that only you can bring to the world.
Stay amazing & keep growing,
Lots of love,
Nusaybah.
Amazing. Am a new subscriber and I love your work already
Hey Nusaybah. Beautiful piece.
I’m like the biggest self-saboteur ever. Someone called me “success-shy” not too long ago and I’ve been thinking about it a lot. This newsletter has come in handy.
Barakallahu feeh.